Workbench Add-On/Workbench Add-On - Volume 1.iso/Text/Document/JOKES/ENGLISH/USA_Calendar

Text File | 1995-08-21 | 17KB | 319 lines

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Humour - The ultimate commemorative calendar
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<PRE>
                         From the
                        JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                               by
                        LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                     P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                       South Australia. 5159.

THE ULTIMATE COMMEMORATIVE CALENDAR!

January:
2  - Slack Season For Pants Manufactures Expected to be Short Day
6  - King Ugloot builds first split level igloo.
8  - King Ugloot slides to untimely death, going to lower level.
10 - National Railroad Convention vote ends in a tie. New Orleans, 1967
14 - Chicken Feather Pluckers Union Disbanded in Dispute About Swan Down. 1946
17 - Oakland Chapter of Hells Angels Motorcycle Group forms Poetry Readers
     Group, 1966
20 - Oral Roberts cures Bowlers of the Hook, Tulsa, Oklahoma, l976
24 - Annual Coal Burning Stove Festival, Key West, Florida
25 - Invention of the Orange Skin Chain - Found to be Totally Useless
27 - Jimmy Swaggart Makes First Appeal For Money From His Mother's Womb

February:
1  - Senility Marathon, Washington, D.C. - Continuous
2  - Grit Your Teeth to Regularity Day, Flushing, New York
4  - Achilles Was a True Heel Week - Starts Today!
6  - Release of Discount LP Album: Erotic Moments with Margaret Thatcher, l984
7  - Annual Photographer's Convention, Aperture Gap, Utah
9  - Blood Research Day - All in Vein
11 - King Ubaldus the Bombastic switches to deodorants and becomes King of
     Smellia.
12 - Preparation H Day - Begins Diagram Week, Regional Celebration, Lower US
14 - Adorac Victor marries Magnolia Spoils, 1876.  To the Victor goes the
     Spoils.
15 - Marco Polo Invents New Shirt - Marketing Triumph Follows.
16 - Alexander G. Bell places first telephone call from toll booth - loses
     his nickel - 1886
17 - Hookers Cure Bowlers of Oral Roberts, Las Vegas, Nev., 1977
18 - Imelda Frumflutter Visits Tropical Bird Sanctuary in Aleutian Islands,
     1985
19 - Horticulturists Admire New Shrub - The Ambush.  Green Valley, Ar., 1980
20 - Jimmy Swaggart Makes Second Appeal For Money From His Mother's Womb
21 - Dentists Invent Synthetic Tartar for Teeth, Lockjaw, Va., 1979
23 - Phiffi Phinque opens bar in Bisbee, Arizona,l906. Refuses to serve miners.
25 - Waldo Farquard Invents Wheelbarrow without wheels. Goes Absolutely Nowhere
26 - Invention of the Electronic Mother-in-Law, 1949
27 - Birthday of Philtelmy Glutzenbacher, Inventor of the Hydraulic Woodpecker
32 - National Day of No Celebrations Anywhere on This Date

March:
1  - Gubernatorial Election Day for Gubernators, 21 States, Today.
     Be Sure to Vote!
l  - Vote Early and Often Day, Chicago, Illinois
1  - Get Out the Cemetery Vote Day, Chicago, Illinois
1  - Voter Registration is a Real Gasser Day, Chicago, Illinois
1  - If Voting Were Honest There Would Be No City Council Day, Chicago,Illinois
2  - Mexico City Invaded by Locusts, 1982
3  - Locusts Invaded by Mexico City, 1982
4  - Belt Manufactures Look for Expanded Markets to Round Out Suspenseful Year
5  - Macon,Ga. Eddie Fishbait finds use for toiletpaper roll core, forgets what
     it is!
7  - Bicentennial Meandering Convention Held: No One Attends
8  - Nakdini Yosgubad leads first Canary Island Dog Sled Race.  Only Entrant.
     Loses Race!
10 - Hawaii Legislature Drafts Anti-Volcano Bill, 1982
ll - Tacoma Taffy Pull in Final Stretch.  Long Arm Johnson expects to win!
12 - Malcom Royce opens Bakery. Sells "Rolls, by Royce," at very high prices.
13 - The Mystic Ancient Knights of Scarfou Desegregate and allow humans tojoin
     1969
15 - Tombstone, Ar., Entire Sewer System Stolen By Pack Rats, l954
16 - Jimmy Swaggart Makes Third Appeal for Money from His Mother's Womb
17 - Louella Firstnips Constructs First Ship Made Entirely of Dental Floss,1985
18 - Louella Firstnips Becomes First Person to Drown in Ship Made Entirely of
     Dental Floss
19 - Jerry Falwell Makes First Appeal for Money from Baby Crib.
20 - The Sheik of Moduwar Presents the Teel of Garfus with a pet rock.  1986
20 - Highly Insulted Teel Throws Rock at Sheik
21 - Garfus Celebrates Stoned Sheik Day, Annual since l986
23 - Abbey Gramupflaw Discovers Flying Saucer in her China Cabinet, 1986
24 - Discovery of French Toast, Sao Paulo, Brazil, 1847
25 - Friends of Dan Quayle Hold 1st Convention in Cupola of Caboose, l987
26 - New Jersey Invents Synthetic Garbage
28 - A Day Away from Consummate Stupidity - Holiday - Legislature Closes -
     Washington, D. C.
29 - Distrust Everyone Week Starts Today - Commemoration of the Founding of the
     John Birch Society.

April:
1  - Everyone Loves Dan Quayle Day, Washington, D. C.
2  - Postponement of Procrastination Week Delayed by Apathy Day.  Celebrated
     Today, Perhaps.
3  - That Just About Does It Day, Regional Celebrations
4  - I Ain't Never Written Nothing Wrotten Writers Week.  Starts Yesterday.
5  - Messa Fresh Fish Festival Feast, Onamia, Minnesota  Held Somewhat Annually
7  - Hush Puppy Wearers National Quiet Day
8  - April 1st Was a Frightening Day Commemoration
9  - Ancient Order of Hibernians Collect A Snake for Ireland Day
10 - Ancient Order of Hibernians - Keep Margaret Thatcher Home Day
11 - Today Is A Good Day To Celebrate Your Birthday Day.  If you were born on
     this day.
12 - Liver Lovers Luncheon at Leroys Celebration - Maybe Annual, who knows?
13 - Montana Naval Armada Festival, Salt Flats, Utah
14 - Jerry Falwell Beats Jimmy Swaggart to the Punch Collection Day!
     Send Money!
15 - Regional Celebration of Gravy Stain Removal and Freedom Day.
17 - National Nutrition Convention, Starved Rock, Illinois
18 - There's Gravel in My Tapioca Convention, Starved Rock, Illinois
20 - Contumely Day at National Gossipmongers Convention, Psst, Nevada
21 - Society for the Flooding of Montana, Disbanded, l966
22 - Citizens Feel Uncertain as City Celebrates Insecurity Week, New York,
     New York
24 - League of Definitive Ambivalence Partially Formed, 1959
26 - National Brand Switching Telethon Announced.
27 - Mothballed Fleet Found Floating on Ocean of Dead Moths, California, 1967
30 - Capitalist Decadence Dance Marathon, Moscow, USSR, l986

May:
1  - International Order of Malcontents Refuses Admission to Grouches League
     Members
2  - Extremely Tactless Move Weeks Starts Today
3  - Jimmy Swaggart Manages to Announce One More Collection for Urgent Need.
4  - Pollution Manufacturer's Association Demands Higher Prices for Product
5  - Fried Horseradish Served for the First Time, Yugo, Oklahoma, 1812
7  - The Genghis Khan Memorial Medical Center for the Healing Arts -
     Grand Opening
8  - Relatives of George Bush Stage Sleepothon to Arouse Excitement
10 - First Annual Spleen Venting Contest Held, Photolemy, New Jersey, 1985
12 - Junque Food Container Eating Contest, Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
15 - Completely Fearless Yellow Journalism Celebration Week - Starts Yesterday
16 - There's A Fly in My Soup Day, Flap Gulch, Arizona
17 - There's No Extra Charge for a Fly in Your Soup Day, Flap Gulch, Arizona
18 - Get This Damned Fly Out of My Soup Day, Flap Gulch, Arizona
19 - If You Got A Fly In Your Soup, You God More Than Most Day, Flap Gulch,
     Arizona
20 - Fly Killing Festival, Flap Gulch, Arizona
21 - Wholesome Soup Without Flies Competition, Flap Gulch, Arizona
22 - Flyless Soup Eating Contest, Flap Gulch, Arizona
23 - End of Fly Week and Reconciliation Service, Community Center, Flap Gulch
23 - National Week of Vile Vituperation, Regional Celebration.
24 - Grouches League Expels Members of International Order of Malcontents
25 - You'll Wish You Hadn't If You Do Day, Erie, Pennsylvania
27 - Little League Thermonuclear Device Composition Day, Fearless, Alabama
29 - Day of Rage and Gluttony, Loveless, Colorado
31 - Celebration of EOM Day, Various Areas

June:
1  - National Month of Insignificance, Washington, D. C.
2  - Pollution Encouragement Day, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
3  - We Snookered Some Dumb Tourists Day, Little Grand Canyon, Nebraska
4  - Ghastly Chastity Week Celebration, Various Neighborhoods of Las Vegas
5  - Go Fight Iliteracie Week and See Where It Goes - Starts Two Daiz Ago
6  - International Bank Celebrates Bad Czech Day - Prague, Czechoslovakia
8  - Pigfat and Lard King and Queen Coronation, Pittsfield, Illinois
10 - Polyunsaturated Tatoo Ink Developed - Slogun, Utah, 1986
12 - Snapless Suspenders Invented, Listless, New Hampshire, 1902
15 - National Poison Ivy Growers "Scratch Where It Itches," Promotion Week
16 - Phew! What Did They Put In That Chili Contest, Pladvine, Texas
17 - Regional Insignificance Day, Washington, D. C.  No Mail Today -
     Who Will Know?
19 - Yister Day Celebration Held Day Before Announcement of Annual Event,
     Plat, Nev.
22 - Never Trust a Lose Beast Week, Moosejaw, Sas., Canada
23 - Phildony Quafferduffle Wins Wrestling Match With Shrew, Littleton, In.
     1903
25 - National Poachers Cotillion and Baglady's Day, Thousand Stix, Kentucky
27 - Jimmy Swaggart Cries and Says Must Have At Least Fifteen Million.
     Send Money!
29 - If You Smoke Camels, You Sure Can Spook a Donkey Day, Ogden, Utah
30 - Tediously Excessive Gastric Disorder Day, Gassville, Alabama
31 - End of Really Dumb Cretins Make Me Wretch Week

July:
1  - Take A Bath Before the Well Runs Dry Festival, South Fork, Kansas
2  - Kick Your Bric-a-Brac Around the Living Room Week
3  - Annual Sweat Day, Presidio, Texas
4  - Celebration of How We Embarrass Our Ancestors National Holiday
7  - Lumpy Porridge Festival and I Found My Falseteeth Celebration, Whittier
9  - America's Additional Additives Association Meets, Moore, Minnesota
11 - Notes Taken at Harpsicord Tuner's Convention, Harmony, Indiana
14 - You Can't Count on Anything Without a Calculator Day, Columbus, Ohio
17 - Mississippi Installs Parking Meters in Cotton Fields - To Make Crops Pay
20 - Another Day Away From Consummate Stupidity, Washington, D. C. -
     Congress Does NOT Meet
23 - Day of Gluttony Without Rage, Silver Spring, Maryland
26 - The Corinth Mississippi Jazz Band plays First Philhormonic Number - 1919
29 - Day of Excessive Fright and Terror, Clovis, New Mexico

August:
1  - Hunting Season on Blue Smurfs Opens, Wisconsin
2  - Oral Roberts Is Held Hostage By Bankers
3  - Prince Larry the Totally Incompetent Drafts Nuclear Theory on Clay Tablets
5  - Timothy Leary Invents Kaleidoscopic Eyeballs
8  - National Day for the Shut In, Out, Up and It Day, Tornado Flats, Nev.
10 - Kansas State Weed Grower Festival, Garden City, Kansas
13 - Jimmy Swaggart Sets Collection Record - Thirty First Collection This Year!
14 - Refugee Roadmap Refolders Reunion and Round-Up, Four Corners, Utah, Ar,
     Colo & NM
16 - Real Men Can't Even Spell Quiche Day, Sonoma, Cal.
19 - Rancid Peanut Eaters Contest, Atlanta, Ga.
22 - First Day Since Birth Tammy Faye Bakker Did Not Cry Day, 1996
26 - Annual Speculation of Gary Hart for President Day, Colorado
29 - Begin Shortened Week (3 Days) of I've Had It Up To Here Week
31 - False Guarantee And Warranty Expired Day, South Carolina

September:
1  - Take A Walnut To Lunch Day
4  - Collectors of Doohickies Convention, Rescheduled for Another Day
6  - Almost Another Day Like the Other Day
7  - Day on Which President Bush Thinks Japanese Attacked Pearl Harbor
8  - The Real True Another Day
9  - There is No Other Day Like Yesterday, Which Was Truly Another Day
11 - Tomorrow Will be Yesterday the Day After It Day, Bone Gap, Ky.
14 - Prune Juice Drinkers Eliminations, Memphis, Tenn.
16 - Beginning of Completely Out of Order Week, Memphis, Tenn.
17 - There Is A Stone In My Shoe Day, Lumpit, W. Virginia
20 - Hey, There's Another Fly In My Soup Day!  Flap Gulch, Arizona
21 - Don't Say Anything About It Lest We Have Another Festival Day, Flap Gulch
23 - Dr. Ruth Celebrates Receiving a Decent Innocent Call on the Phone Day
24 - Seventh Annual Pet Rock Race, Ft. Wayne, Indiana
25 - Contrary to What You Have Heard, It Is The Truth Day.  Gosip, Louisiana
27 - Sixteenth Annual Commemoration of We Saw Clint Eastwood Smile Day, Carmel
31 - Another EOM Celebration for Them That Missed the First One Day

October:
1  - Beat the Weather To Death Conversational Marathon, Local Coffee Shops
2  - National Speculation on Who Will Win the NFL Playoffs Day
3  - Closing of Completely Out Of Order Week, Memphis, Tenn.
6  - Split-Level Bowling Alley Owners Convention, Jeffersonville, Ind.,
     and Louisville, Ky.
9  - Riotous Daughters of the Confederacy Week Starts
10 - Daughters of the Confederacy Week Ends Early Day
11 - Man, Those Babes Sure Ran Out of Steam Fast Commemoration
12 - You'll Be Glad You Did Day
13 - Jimmy Swaggart Announces Special Urgent Collection for Starving Wombats
14 - National Substitution Day - Use This For Any Other Day
16 - International Silicone Injection Society Celebrates Tammy Faye Bakker Day
18 - Really Ugly Ridicule Week Starts Today.  Pick A Friend You No Longer Need!
21 - You'll Be Sorry If You Didn't Day
22 - When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best Day
23 - When You Couldn't Care Less Day
24 - When You Couldn't Give a Damn Day
26 - Learn To Speak English Good Day, Virginia Beach, Va.
29 - Positively The Most Awful Day, Carbonaire, Pennsylvania

November:
1  - President Richard Nixon Hot Kitchen Festival, Costa Mesa, Cal.
2  - Giant Pork Breeders Celebrate "Live High on The Hog Day."
3  - Scandinavian Wombat Breeders Convention, La Paz, Bolivia
4  - Hangnail Growers Seminar, Rochester, Minn.
6  - Lackluster Mediocrity in Achievement Celebration - Washington, D. C.
9  - Malta Signs Trade Agreement With Christmas Island Celebration
12 - Occasional Occupationists Hold Occasional Convention, Occasion, Florida
14 - Wild Radish Festival and Onion Eating Contest,  Outdoor Celebration,
     Naturally
14 - Seventeenth Annual Balderdash Convention, Whoopie, Utah.
15 - Excessive Pocketlint Eradication Day, Lumpsuck, Va.
17 - Industrial Strength Crass Ignorance Celebration & Commemoration,
     Montgomery, Al.
20 - Really Deeply Overfried Turkey Day
22 - Toothless Tobacco Chewers Clambake, Center, Nebraska
24 - Never Underestimate the Power of Underestimation Day, Washington, D. C.
25 - Clouds Loom Over Future Flatulence and Barf Festival, Independence, Mo.
26 - National Apathetic Festival - Tentative
27 - Optometrists Make A Spectacle of Themselves Celebration, Glasseye,
     Minnesota
29 - Professional Scumbuckets Convention, Baton Rouge, La.
30 - Anniversary of the Cancellation of the Pharaohs Reunion, Forest Lawn
     Picnic Area
31 - Oral Roberts Overcomes Death Day, Tulsa, Oklahoma   An Annual Event -
     Bring Money!

December:
1  - Dubious Doubters Convention, Perchance, New Hampshire
2  - Druid Ritual Writer's Conference, London, England
3  - Belly Button Lint Bailer's Caucus,  Milan, Italy
4  - Slida Stair Conceives Escalator - Amazes Gynecologists of North America,
     1922
5  - Missed My Departure Flight Convention, Atlanta Airport, Continuous
     Sessions
7  - Day on Which President Bush Colors Easter Eggs
9  - Wholesale Ennui Brokers Convention and Television Executives Conference,
     Las Vegas
11 - Commemoration of the Development of the Brick Radio Antenna, Secacus, N.J.
13 - Invention of the Dissolving Suppository, 1989
15 - Apache Indian Chief Amazzi Invents Filter for Peacepipe, Arizona, 1984
17 - Improved Lackluster Car Finish Enhanced and Marketed, Esconada, Mexico
20 - Floating Shuffleboard Palace Sinks, Venice, Florida, 1922
21 - Residents of Upper Fpltngarthburgcxit Forget Where They Came From
22 - National Limbo Dance Contest, Sun City, Arizona
23 - Latvia Signs Treaty with Macedonia For Unknown Reasons, 1912
24 - Electronic Tuba Manufacturers League Formed, Lotus, Cal.  1986
25 - Danny Quayle Opens His Presents Under the Tree, Washington, D. C.
27 - Let's All Forget the Alamo Day, San Antonio, Texas
29 - Annual Hamster Hairdressers Seminar, Miami, Oklahoma
31 - Jim Bakker Will Buy Back PTL Wish Festival, Ft. Mill, South Carolina

This Calendar Endorsed By an Esoteric Secret Society, has received the Good
Sousekeeping Seal of Approval, An Award for Publishing, and Two Bomb Threats.
It Is a Product of a Special Team from Threadbare Humor Projects, and is
produced in conjunction with Professional Laughter Suppression, Inc.  All
Rights to Reproduce This Material Are Protected by Nothing International, Ltd.
If You Get The Urge to Copy any of The Above, Consult a Competent Psychiatrist




                         From the
                        JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                               by
                        LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                     P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                       South Australia. 5159.
</PRE>